That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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