please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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