so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can vaginas get frostbite?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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