he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
