paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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