she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
