Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
