Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Damn victory sex feels great
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
