Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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