I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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