He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
