Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
