He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
