I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
