Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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