i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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