this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I AM VODKA MAN
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
