My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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