We're facebook friends in real life
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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