if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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