i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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