there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
