id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
