Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
