I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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