I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
