I love black thongs
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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