wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
