explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
