i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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