Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
