Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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