I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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