woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
