Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
