I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
