I'm so fucking centered right now
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
