Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
