Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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