you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm just crazy horny about you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
