im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
