totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
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Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
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Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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