I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
