I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
