ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
