I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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