I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
