if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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