just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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