Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
