New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
