I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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