I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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