I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
