it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
