they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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