im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
nutella sex= disaster
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
