so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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